my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
