That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
