Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
