only you would photoshop your dick
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
