ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
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I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
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If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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