I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
