i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
