i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
