dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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