I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
