if only i could text you this smell
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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