You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
