On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
