just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
