When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
