Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
