WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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