Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
