I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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