If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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