I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
