things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
