You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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