I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
