How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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