I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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