I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
