meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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