I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
