you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
