He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
