I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she told me i tasted like america
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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