I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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