That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
In other news, I just burned my penis
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
