my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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