he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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