this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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