I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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