my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
