you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
