last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You pole danced in your parka.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
