Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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