man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
