meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
