Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
