i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
