I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
