so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
