what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
