I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Randomize
