Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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