i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!