This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.