you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.