hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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