My Higher Power is John Stamos
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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