Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
