I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
