I wish I could teleport
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
