My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
