she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
