he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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