I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
