god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I love black thongs
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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