i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish you could order shots online.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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