Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
