Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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